A day in the life

Every morning when I wake up I start my routine. This routine used to consist of rolling out of bed, putting shoes on and grabbing Monkey to make it to work. Those days are no more. First, I must don a hazmat suit to change the very-soiled and "holy-shit-this-came-out-of-you" diaper. This is done with a baby laughing maniacally and energetically kicking his feet with proudness at his diaper full of green oatmeal. After diaper change, I re-stock the diaper bag for the day, wrestle portly dog to put in eyedrops, feed dog weight loss formula dog food (with parmesan cheese sprinkled on top) and now the carnival can really begin.

The following is what I must do to walk the dog. I repeat this step after work and again before bed. First I take the frame of the stroller down two flights of stairs. Then run back up two flights of stairs. Wrestle flailing baby arms into car seat and lock into 50 point safety belt. Locate hat and blanket for warmth. Locate binky for comfort and possible stress relief. Locate dog. Coherse dog to door and attach harness and leash. Pick up 40 lb car seat and drag 28 lb fat dog. Haul entire operation deftly down 2 flights. Avoid angry bitchface neighbordog. Re-attach binky. Attach car seat to stroller frame with dog pulling with every muscle in her fat jabba-like body. Command dog to proceed. Hit the street to blinding sun, move stroller shade accordingly. Avoid 30176551438 mexicans riding bicycles on the sidewalk. Keep stroller rolling so baby does not cry. Quickly cover baby ears when ambulance sirens wail past. Pray that dog will poo close enough to sidewalk so as not to leave stroller unattended during poo retrieval phase. Answer 14 text messages while steering stroller with cockeyed grocery cartlike wheels and holding leash of fatdog. Remove enormous sunglasses to reassure baby that you are his mom. Return home. Remove car seat from stroller frame and lug car seat and fatdog back up two flights of stairs. Undo harness from dog and leave car seat on floor. Baby wails upon discovering his whereabouts. Run back down 2 flights of stairs. Collapse stroller frame. Run with it back up two flights of stairs. Re-attach binky. Grab diaper bag and bulky purse and car seat. Proceed down two flights of stairs.

Thats about it.

Oh Heavenly Dog

It's been one year today since you've been gone

And we still search the sky for which cloud you're on

Maybe you've found a cloud with a yard

Or a cloud with a sun patch you lie in all day

Or maybe you have a new heavenly owner

Like Ghandi, Steve Irwin or the late JFK

Or maybe its a woman that you'll end up picking

Princess Diana or Janis Joplin you'll drive crazy with licking

Or perhaps you're with Lassie or the great Rin Tin Tin

God knows the trouble you mutts could get in!

Wherever you are and whatever you do

know that forever plus infinity, Charlie, we will ALWAYS love you.

Crack Kills

But in this case- it kills me with cuteness!

Who would have ever guessed that I would get lost in so many hours and hours of babyness? I have made like 15 mini videos. All of them are me laughing and trying to make the baby laugh. But like, I never get tired of it. And although to anyone else each laugh video is the same- I see them all as totally different and unique. Like duh, obviously you can see that his laugh today has matured into a heartier and more manly guffaw compared to his childish laugh from yesterday?


In other news, my very best manfriend Michael decided today was the day to gently point out that Monkey has a weight problem. Actually he said "Honey, Monkey is fat" and it was all real interventionish. So I thanked Captain Obvious for pointing it out. In any event, Monkey is on a diet. This should be real fun.

The new regime

I am a blogging sell out. Hard to imagine that Im choosing to mosey over to the deep dark underbelly of the blogging world, but- I find myself telling the same stories over and over. So now, I can just say "read my blog" and thats that. Although I can barely even make my mouth speak those words. Im like Arthur Fonzarelli trying to admit he was wrong. I was wr wr wr wro wron wron WRONG. Thats me. Read my bl bl bl BLOG. Either way, there are sure to be a whole bunch of new things in life Id never imagined Id be doing. Here are a few examples:

1. I examine poo like its my job. Not only do I examine it for smell, texture and quantity- I then find others willing to listen to me give a blow by blow of all the baby bowels theyve missed since we saw them last.

2. I sing. Those close to me realize how disturbing it is. The Dr has assured me that my babys eardrums cannot bleed from this and that the baby will actually benefit from it.

3. I am an expert "ball washer". Yes, I went there. Who knew that after all of these years of being aquainted with man-parts I may never have actually realized how much upkeep they required in order to remain fresh at all times. So, now I know.

4. I narrate almost everything I do, while talking in the third person. "Mommy is writing a blog because mommy wants to keep everyone in the loop. Isnt that funny that Mommy is a sell out?" Apparently this is the way that babies learn what to call you. Im referring to Mommy and not sell out. Although its entirely possible he may call me that someday as well.

5. Im that person, sending 1368376 pictures and video clips of my baby doing absolutely nothing interesting. Its like I expect others to catch a contact-high off of the pictures or something. Ive even sunken as low as to title things "cutest one yet" so that people are manipulated into opening it right away!

Those are just a few shining examples of the new world according to vanO. Its a new regime after all, and I'm no longer calling the shots. So, settle in and check back frequently for updates.