A day in the life

Every morning when I wake up I start my routine. This routine used to consist of rolling out of bed, putting shoes on and grabbing Monkey to make it to work. Those days are no more. First, I must don a hazmat suit to change the very-soiled and "holy-shit-this-came-out-of-you" diaper. This is done with a baby laughing maniacally and energetically kicking his feet with proudness at his diaper full of green oatmeal. After diaper change, I re-stock the diaper bag for the day, wrestle portly dog to put in eyedrops, feed dog weight loss formula dog food (with parmesan cheese sprinkled on top) and now the carnival can really begin.

The following is what I must do to walk the dog. I repeat this step after work and again before bed. First I take the frame of the stroller down two flights of stairs. Then run back up two flights of stairs. Wrestle flailing baby arms into car seat and lock into 50 point safety belt. Locate hat and blanket for warmth. Locate binky for comfort and possible stress relief. Locate dog. Coherse dog to door and attach harness and leash. Pick up 40 lb car seat and drag 28 lb fat dog. Haul entire operation deftly down 2 flights. Avoid angry bitchface neighbordog. Re-attach binky. Attach car seat to stroller frame with dog pulling with every muscle in her fat jabba-like body. Command dog to proceed. Hit the street to blinding sun, move stroller shade accordingly. Avoid 30176551438 mexicans riding bicycles on the sidewalk. Keep stroller rolling so baby does not cry. Quickly cover baby ears when ambulance sirens wail past. Pray that dog will poo close enough to sidewalk so as not to leave stroller unattended during poo retrieval phase. Answer 14 text messages while steering stroller with cockeyed grocery cartlike wheels and holding leash of fatdog. Remove enormous sunglasses to reassure baby that you are his mom. Return home. Remove car seat from stroller frame and lug car seat and fatdog back up two flights of stairs. Undo harness from dog and leave car seat on floor. Baby wails upon discovering his whereabouts. Run back down 2 flights of stairs. Collapse stroller frame. Run with it back up two flights of stairs. Re-attach binky. Grab diaper bag and bulky purse and car seat. Proceed down two flights of stairs.

Thats about it.